Chaos & Confusion

For You - If You Still Read This

2011-11-16T10:27:00.005-06:00

This goes out to a person who I used to call a really good friend. Last time I heard from you, I received a sweet and ironic tune. This is my tune for you. I hope you are well.

"Scars"

I tear my heart open,

I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

And my scars remind me that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down

And I just wanna be alone

I'm pissed cause you came around

Why don't you just go home

Cause you channel all your pain

And I can't help you fix yourself

You're making me insane

All I can say is

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

And our scars remind us that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once

Against my own advice

I saw you going down

But you never realized

That you're drowning in the water

So I offered you my hand

Compassion's in my nature

Tonight is our last stand

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down

And I just wanna be alone

You shouldn't ever come around

Why don't you just go home?

Cause you're drowning in the water

And I tried to grab your hand

And I left my heart open

But you didn't understand

Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

The Good Life

2011-10-14T15:08:00.002-05:00

She sings the song from the bottom of her soul

Tears running down her tired face

"It's Gotta Be The Good Life"

She walks alone with a heavy heart

Only dreaming of a fresh start

"This Could Really Be A Good Life"

She tries to hold her head up high

Knowing she's wound up back where it all began

"It's Gotta Be The Good Life"

With a deep sigh she picks up the phone

The time has come to let it all out

"This Could Really Be A Good Life"

However he takes the news, she knows

She did what she had to with nothing to loose

"It's Gotta Be The Good Life"

YUP!! :)

2011-08-10T15:59:00.003-05:00

I CAN do this...

I AM strong enough...

I WILL get past/through this...

CAPABLE me.

"Honestly OK" by Dido

2011-07-18T09:05:00.002-05:00

Speaking from my heart today.....

"I just want to feel safe in my own skin

I just want to be happy again

I just want to feel deep in my own world

but I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore

On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin

Then I wouldn't feel so lost and so frightened.

But, this is today and I'm lost in my own skin..."

That Silly Little Thing Called....

2011-07-08T12:16:00.001-05:00

I hate that place between yes and no,

Right between maybe and probably,

Fits in next to unsure and definitely.

That’s one place I don’t want to go…

Somehow, I always have a one way ticket there and end up having to hitchhike home.

Maybe someday I’ll be handed a ticket to a real destination.

for the record...

2011-06-27T12:28:00.003-05:00

I recently have experienced some events that have made me consider my actions/thoughts on things. My reason for this post is just to remind me in another year, six months, twelve years.. whatever... that I noticed this and felt this way at some point in my life.

There is definitely something to be said for poor decision making and the human mind. Now, what my opinion is on that will stay in my thoughts...

But the evidence of thought processes, lack of thinking actions through, failing to consider the consequences/outcomes and the lack of ability to complete said processes without an ounce of maturity has blown my mind.

That quote that goes something like... "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt" has been running over and over in my head.

I just hope I don't find myself fitting any of the above descriptions. I hope I can find it in me to tolerate and dismiss any of the above that I may come in contact with in the future.

Just a thought

2011-06-22T11:17:00.002-05:00

I'm a rushing, chugga-chugga-choo-choo, train headed down the wrong tracks...

I'm a salmon trying so desperately to swim upstream...

I'm a lost child in a sea of people at the street fair...

I'm a wandering soul, searching, traveling the world over...

I'm a speeding car, driving down the wrong side of the highway...

I'm an ignorant tourist in a foreign land...

I'm a pocket full of quarters when the machine only takes dollar bills...

So what makes you wonder why I don't fit in?

confession

2011-06-16T16:04:00.003-05:00

It has occurred to me that things worth waiting for can be painful.

Sometimes they aren't always what you think.

Occasionally, they really aren't what you should have had in the first place.

For the first time in a long while, I hurt.
I ache, like heartache.
I mean, you have your normal pride-ache and ego-ache... but, I haven't let myself get close to anyone for fear of entanglements of the heart.

This one snuck up on me.

Heck, I didn't even realize how I truly felt before it was really too late.
I couldn't bring myself to say anything, never seemed like the right time.
Or maybe that was God's way of telling me it isn't right or isn't what's right, right now.

Regardless, it aches. I had forgotten what it is like to feel that.
I would prefer to forget and never feel it again.

Maybe it's what was planned so that I can remember that others feel this too...

Maybe on the account of my actions. Maybe not.

It could be a sore reminder that I have a heart. Bitter - it is. Yet still requires care and feeding.

But, regardless of my pondering, I know I'll do what I do best.

I'll bury it... Hide it... Patch it... Try my best to forget it...

Try even harder to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Things..

2011-06-07T11:30:00.002-05:00

I have come to the conclusion that I do not like myself...

I do not like the way I let people come into my life and take control. I have once again let that happen after I vowed not to let it happened again.

I've heard it's a personality trait... but I'm not down with that. There is no reason some other human being needs to control my life.. unknowing or not.

It's time for me to find my own life or create it...

I've found that there is nothing better than a hot summer day or friends/family that accept you for what you are and what you aren't.

Nothing better than being out in the country, big trucks, fast cars, family and feeling like you have accomplished something for the day.

I'm sure there is nothing better than phone calls/texts/messages/pictures from your family/nieces/nephews to brighten the day.

Appreciating the small things today.

on the fly

2011-04-20T11:31:00.002-05:00

My lips are sealed.

I swear, I won't say a word.

Run away with me and not a peep will be heard.

What we did can't be undone and none will be the wiser.

So, let's go away and play all day and forget we were....

Shhhhhhh....

Just Thinkin'

2011-04-12T09:57:00.004-05:00

There's only so much you can do before you make yourself turn blue.

Take a breath.

Open wide; your heart, your mind and step aside.

What you can do is never enough for those who look on and simply judge.

So, go on now.

Live.

Don't worry about what other people give.

Yeah, Yeah....

2011-04-07T10:44:00.001-05:00

Some say.....

But, I know....

It's just the same old love song.....

no words

2011-02-20T18:23:00.001-06:00

Pathetic, useless, worn down & torn,

Please tell me the reason I was born.

This hell I've created

has me suffocated.

Guess it's time I open my eyes for a change.

Just The Way It Is

2011-02-20T18:14:00.004-06:00

All the words to every man hatin' song

shes got tattooed on her heart.

The 'Don't Mess With Me' attitude

is printed all over her t-shirt.

If you choose to do her wrong,

you'll set her anger in motion.

But, if she's ever treated right,

That will be the day she'll see the light.

Wits End

2011-02-17T11:58:00.001-06:00

set out to learn some self discipline. oh help me.

Ironic, Don't You Think?

2011-01-09T21:39:00.004-06:00

Wall to wall people

They wait anxiously to be booked, boarded and flown to their destination.

Each their own agenda, their own things to remember,

All forgetting their journey may be surrendered.

So, Stop and take stock of what your life has been...

You never know... this may be the very end.

Too Much Thinking

2011-01-04T16:02:00.002-06:00

What's around us will drown us with all its worthless wonder,
So look within yourself and deeper, dig around and plunder.

Please share with me what you can find and tear it open wide,
After you're through, I'll share with you and then we both can hide.

Next, please!

2010-12-27T12:32:00.003-06:00

You know that feeling you get when you stand at the edge of a cliff or a tall, tall building?

That rush of fear, anxiety and excitement?

The suspense of what might happen next...

A leap, a flight, a fall...?

On the edge of... something.

That's where you'll find me; waiting for what happens next! :)

It's been a grand past few days :)

2010-12-08T15:51:00.003-06:00

Problems? you say,
Troubled? you think.

Take a drink &

a really hard think......

Maybe all your reflection
Is a mere detection
Of issues of your own?

If nothing comes of it;
Have a good day &
Leave me alone!

Just tired...

2010-11-23T13:02:00.004-06:00

Is it awful that I'd rather die than deal with any of this anymore?

I'm just tired of petty people, tired of sneaky snakes and smart mouths, tired of not knowing what my job is, tired of waiting for a change to happen, tired of the necessity of money, tired of depending on the weather, tired of trying to fit into my clothes, tired of watching what I eat, tired of the same daily routine and... tired of not having any ambition to change any of it.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

2010-10-29T14:42:00.002-05:00

My costume for work today... Batgirl! :)

The Hard Way

2010-10-29T13:53:00.002-05:00

He said they were like poison... and Dang, I should have listened.
Now I sit here in aw as my eyes tear up and glisten.

No good could come of it and all of their lies and stories,
Would only take root and grow like morning glories.

But, what's done is done and nothing can be fixed.
They'll find another to use their nasty bag of tricks.

Today's Thoughts

2010-10-14T12:24:00.003-05:00

Recently I've been made aware of an unfortunate situation that I have little to no power of changing/helping at this point in time.

It's made me re-evaluate myself and the way I interact with others.

Also, it's made me really appreciate those people in my life that are selfless, kind and humble.

I just hope that, in time, things will work out for the better for all involved.

That feeling...

2010-10-05T17:26:00.003-05:00

Ya know that feeling that lands in the pit of your stomach like a ton of bricks?
That one that leaves you feeling lost and empty after losing that guy/girl that meant the world to you?
The feeling that there isn't anything left to live for?
Yeah.. that one.
I wish it would go away...
I know that I haven't lost anyone recently and I know I have a lot to live for.
But, it's there...
Feeling.. if you read this, please just go away and leave me alone!!!
Thank you!

Today's Choice

2010-09-13T15:54:00.000-05:00

All the paths my life could take, looking at the options, what if I make a mistake?
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, spin in a circle and point out the next step.
I open my eyes to the destiny before me and realize my choice should have been made for me.
So, on my knees, I turn to Him who knows best, and pray for guidance and hope for the best.

Surgery Complete

2010-08-26T11:01:00.002-05:00

5:30am came mighty quick on Wednesday morning. But, with Jillayne's encouragement, we crawled out of bed, got hospital ready and packed up our things and were in the car shortly after 6:00am. We were able to park, get in the building and were directed to the Surgery Registration quite promptly. There, I signed my rights away and then was ushered off to the waiting area to get prepped for surgery.

Jay was a trooper. She waited with me and then after I was gowned and all set up for the Anesthesiologists, they let her come sit with me again. Then came the IVs and drugs and hair net... Then, from what I remember, I was rolled out and up to the operating room. I remember the nurses and doctors asking how many sisters I had and I remember their reactions... Then, I remember waking up in the recovery unit asking if I was ready to go in for surgery yet. :) Oops!

Recovery was great. I was moved through two stages of recovery and with the second one, Jay was able to come back and be with me (and bring me my clothes). They took my vitals and gave me pain meds, and ice pack and a Popsicle. I had the sweetest nurse and before I knew it, they let me get dressed and we were heading for the car! (this was about 11:00am) Once we got in the car, I was pretty snoozy... But, we stopped at Target at Ridgedale for some last minute things, then at Walmart (close to Jillayne's) for Popsicles and ice cream! :)

Jay has really been a peach; made me homemade frozen yogurt, pudding, brings me my meds and ice packs and makes sure i'm comfy. Turbo even came to greet me last night and didn't want to leave my room! :) He's a sweety. Today, I took a walk around the farm to see what had changed and see the guys and Turbo found me and wouldn't leave my side. I think he might know I'm a little under the weather.

All in all, it's been a favorable experience! Thanks to my awesome friends, I have plenty of magazines, books and movies to keep myself occupied with! Thank you again!! :) Jay did take some pictures, so I might try to post some at a later date :)

"Quarter of a Century"

2010-08-19T16:14:00.002-05:00

Turning 25 wasn't so bad....

I had cupcakes the size of small rodents,

a huge bouquet of lilies and roses,

was taken off campus for lunch

(I ate so much I thought I might die)

and accidently felt up the waitress

(who quickly confirmed her breasts were fake.. NOT),

worked late,

ate a large deLite Papa Murphy's pizza (all. by. myself.)

and was in bed by 8pm.

GO ME! :)

In short, I work with some great people, who contantly remind me I'm not all that old :)

Thank you! :)

Thought for today

2010-08-11T22:29:00.003-05:00

The winds of change are never too far away....

be careful what you do,

as they may

stay...

tonsils out

2010-08-05T17:52:00.002-05:00

August 25th @ 7:45am

My lovely sister Jillayne will be my nurse.

She is coming down the night before to help me prep

and then will take me in that morning at 6:15am (ugh).

Then, I will be escorted back to her place for the rest of the week and weekend!

(isn't she sweet!!?!)

It hasn't really set in yet... But, i'm sure it will :)

SwollenNeckEm

2010-08-04T16:45:00.001-05:00

:) that's me these days... so tomorrow... I'm going in for my surgery consultation to have my tonsils removed... :) i'll be back with the 'big day' date.. ugh.

Wish me luck!

Results

2010-07-28T14:54:00.003-05:00

So, the biopsies came back clean! No cancer here!! :) I have a clean bill of health :) They just want to see me back in a year...

Now to remove those darn tonsils...

Miracle Week Concluded...Friday

2010-06-26T21:48:00.003-05:00

Friday was a bust for my planned miracle (to make an appointment for a consultation for a tonsillectomy)... But, on a better note, I received my Service Excellence Award for work, along with a Visa Gift Card. I promptly went to the store to see if this dress I had been eyeing for weeks was still there...

******ONE... in my size***********

That, ladies.. is a miracle! :)

Miracle Week - Thursday

2010-06-24T18:24:00.005-05:00

I'm holding on strong!!

Today I scheduled myself for yet another *sigh* doctor's appointment.

(have I mentioned I'm not a fan of going to the doctor??)

Anyway... after my physical, I was asked to come back in for some more preventative testing... Not enthused but, might as well get it over with and get on with it!

So.. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED... for today. :)

For those of you wondering.. this one is set for July 13th.

One more day of Miracles... and i'm afraid the last day will be the worst one... ugh.

Miracle Week... Wednesday...

2010-06-24T00:02:00.004-05:00

Rough day. But... Miracle for today...........(drum roll pleeeease)

ALL MY CLOTHES ARE PUT AWAY!!

Most of you who know me.. probably won't believe me... So.. here's proof! :)

Miracle Week

2010-06-22T17:54:00.002-05:00

A buddy of mine and I have dubbed this week "Miracle Week" for me... Each day, I am completing a task that has been hanging over my head.

Monday- I consolidated my credit card debt to something convenient and manageable.

Today (Tuesday) - I made my appointment with Minnesota Allergy and Asthma Consultants to get tested for allergies. (I've had numerous food and seasonal allergy issues)

So far, it's been a good week! I'm not making any promises on what the rest of the week will bring, but I'm hoping to continue to complete at least one miracle a day!!

WOOHOO! :)

Perspective

2010-06-22T11:40:00.002-05:00

Funny how situations of our own feel so huge and daunting until you listen to someone else's story... and quickly your problems seem quite minuscule. Thankful for perspectives today.

Just Words Today...

2010-06-20T23:50:00.003-05:00

Confusing, floundering.

Seeking, hoping.

Refuge, safety.

Comfort, solace.

Whatcha complainin about???

2010-06-14T15:52:00.001-05:00

Life isn’t so bad dear,
Take it from me… sittin’ here ,
Wishing I was somewhere other than....

Nowhere.

Thinkin....

2010-05-25T09:58:00.003-05:00

Not entirely sure what is going on with me lately... I keep remembering all the bad things that I've gotten myself into... ei... friends, situations, places... But, I'm becoming more at peace with them... Not thinking they are okay, but just accepting that they happened and that they aren't anymore. Hoping that this will help me to get on with life and not wallow in my failures.. Weeeeeeee!! :)

~ugh~

2010-05-19T17:09:00.001-05:00

Ya ever not want something so bad, you just can't live without it??

PHOTO SHOOT

2010-05-08T20:22:00.003-05:00

Here are some of the highlights of the photo shoot that Karissa Wagner did with me in Minneapolis... :) Feel free to let me know which numbers you like best! :) Thanks!!!

What Do You Remember?

2010-05-02T21:10:00.002-05:00

Special Meeting here today!

We were fed abundantly, but I clearly remember the first few words of a prayer... and can't get them out of my head.... "Hearken and obey" We also heard that we are thankful for the privileges of meetings, but we need to remember that with privilege comes responsibility. Also, that there is a message for all of us, and maybe we don't think that the message we are hearing is for us... But, we should heed to the messages for us.. So, I guess that from my privilege of Special Meeting today, those little words that won't leave my head might be my message... which leads to my responsibility to heed to my message... Hearken and obey...

Isn't it funny how things make so much sense?? (maybe it just makes sense to me... and then.. I guess it really is my message!) :) :)

Sometimes... it's the little things

2010-04-21T21:52:00.003-05:00

I let go of yet another facebook/myspace type account. feels good.... i'm getting too old to be that connected with technology!! ha. :)

My Bestie

2010-04-20T21:49:00.004-05:00

This girl is the bestest... :)

There aren't words to describe this most adorable couple... Or what they mean to me. Love you!

....and here it is....

2010-04-20T21:37:00.002-05:00

This isn’t a suicide note, resignation letter or a short biography… It’s just a little tale of a young (yes, I’m admitting I’m young) girl’s struggle and some brilliant realizations about life and the people in it.

I have made a few friends in the past two years I’ve been here. Some have already moved on, others are on their way to better places and a few are still hanging around. But, there is one friend that I had before I moved here and we kind of lost touch. Over the course of some friendships here, I realized it was that friendship which I had let slide that really would have been a benefit to me the most. One thing that I had to learn the hard way (this seems to be a common trend with me) is that not everyone is going to be a good influence/friend. Yes, the most common sense thing since the world began… BUT… some of us (like me) tend to think that their own influence would out weight the bad influence around. Sometimes, that is the case… and others it’s not. With that said, I have a friend or two whom I have learned that I cannot, will not and do not like the influence they have on me. At first it seemed okay. Then, I found myself doing things that I don’t agree with and started to think that they were okay to do. I had some heartache, pride-ache and headaches. But, I now realize what on earth I was doing. I don’t want to and won’t let it happen again.

All in all, I have to be extremely thankful for a loving family and the world’s greatest roommates (that includes all of them I’ve had since I’ve moved up here). They have helped me to see what exactly I’m missing out on, and what exactly I’m not! J I’m thankful for their faithful lives and for their accepting of my wayward experiments and journeys. There are not words to express what each one of you has meant to me and done for me by just being there and not judging what I’ve done. Just being there, listening to me rant, watching me hibernate in my room and the greatest unspoken help… prayer. I know most of us would not be where we are right now if it wasn’t for those who have been faithful “on their knees.” Thank you.

That friend that I lost touch with… You all know who that is… Our only true and everlasting friend, Jesus. I just hope that this peace and these satisfying realizations won’t pass as another phase in my life, but start a new way of life… again. We all know every day is a struggle and the Lord knows I still have a few things to work through, a few people to distance, and a friendship to feed. But, I know where my strength to face those things comes from. Here’s to diligently seeking that daily.

Paralyzed

2010-04-12T13:12:00.004-05:00

So, some of you know I've been having a time at life as of late.... Just like everyone else in the world, I know. In the past two weeks, there have been some incidents (good & bad) that have pulled me out of my coma, so to speak. I had the privilege to catch Eau Claire Special Meeting this past Sunday and I prayed that something there would just speak to me to let me know that God hadn't given up on me yet... As we know, "ask and ye shall receive" and I did... in abundance. One thing I heard there that has kept my spirits up since then is this... "Let today be the day that we stop being paralyzed by 'the giant' and we fight with God on our side and gain the victory."

I will blog more this week... so stay tuned. :)

CoLOrS

2010-04-07T15:17:00.004-05:00

...... out of all the colors that you shine, this is surely not your best ......

Ya want it?

2010-02-11T22:42:00.002-06:00

So, what if you've been accused of not knowing what you want... But, you do, in fact, know exactly what you want, but you don't want anyone to know that is what you want and you aren't ready to admit to anyone that you're wanting what that is? Yeah.. so then what?

Sillyness-necessities

2010-02-08T22:34:00.004-06:00

So, story is Meg & I went on a hunt for a calendar for me... (I specifically stated, "I don't even care what it is... I NEED a calendar!!") So, off we went... and all to be found at Target was two... Jonas Brothers calendars... for a whopping $1.58. I tried to make an excuse, but Meg is good at holding me to my word... So, I brought it home and did some silly work with magazines.... here ya go!

Him

2010-02-07T20:24:00.000-06:00

If all you are to me, is a reason to be what I need to be, that is fine with me.

My thought for today

2010-01-30T20:24:00.001-06:00

Someone quoted today... "you can't defeat a girl in love" and I thought.. yup, that's right. But, for those of us that aren't in love... with anything, all it takes is a soft breath of air to send us flying.

um... yeah.

2010-01-26T14:59:00.001-06:00

Feelings no words can express,
Leave me alone and feeling distressed.
Opening my heart,
Would only leave me falling apart.
Waiting, wishing, and wondering,
Can only leave me floundering.
So here I go,
Yeah, I’m a fool you know.

I don't know what this one is.. it just came out of my fingers..

2009-12-03T22:26:00.001-06:00

Tears glisten as they fall down her pretty face…
She wishes she knew more about the human race…
Trials, they pass and struggles, they linger,
She yearns for solace and holds out her finger.
“One more for the road,” she whispers in his ear.
His footsteps depart, never to be near.

Dazed and Confused

2009-12-03T22:24:00.001-06:00

Waiting by the phone, she knows nothing will free her.

Any answer that will come will never appease her.

Sleep will come difficult and dreams nonexistent.

What she doesn’t know will be too persistent.

Filling her mind with everything around,

She falls in to bed and wishes to be found.

The Room

2009-08-05T23:09:00.002-05:00

I have a T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E time keeping my room clean. It gets worse if I'm stressed or busy or just plain can't take it anymore... So... here was the worst it has ever gotten here and hopefully it won't get that bad again!!

Death

2009-07-20T20:48:00.000-05:00

Death. It surrounds me, like silence in my head.

Death. It reminds me, what all is left unsaid.

Death. It can be dark and maybe even dreary.

Death. For some it is rather cheery.

Bennett's First Worm

2009-07-20T20:31:00.002-05:00

Lisa asked me to write something HAPPY for these pictures.. hereeee we go!

Mommy took me out to play today
And what did I find?
Something wiggly and jiggly
And so very full slime!

I picked it up and stretched it
And looked it in the eye
I wasn’t quite sure
Which end I should try?

It made Nenna yelp
And sent shivers up her spine
But, with that little earthworm
I’ll spend so much time.

Struggling

2009-07-20T20:29:00.000-05:00

An open shell, an empty hell, is all I am to me.
Singing songs of praise never seems to set me free.
I call out in need, looking to feed on all things good and gracious
And in return I hear the echo through my vast and empty spaces.
This void I fear will never be filled with love divine and true.
So, praying, I plead and mercy I need for each day to begin anew.

Who Knows?

2009-06-17T12:59:00.000-05:00

Wanting more of something,
But feeling that it might be enough.
Figuring out what “that” is,
It is going to be tough.

Wondering how to deal.....

2009-04-08T20:35:00.001-05:00

What do you do when a friend cares too much about something they don't quite understand?

So what am I to do, with no one to confide in… keep it all bottled up inside?
Love it, but I hate it just the same.
It wears on me like a rushing river on the hardest of rocks, but warms me like the hot shining sun. So, where do I turn and what bridges do I burn?
Do I let it all out and make my friends pout and others jump about?
Do I bury it alive and hope it dies somewhere deep inside?
I’m okay; I’ll be just fine, just leave me alone and bear in mind… things aren’t always as they appear.
So, take my hand and be my friend; have no fear… I’m always here.

How Old?

2009-04-04T16:05:00.002-05:00

I was reminded today that no matter how old we are, we are still all ages up to our current age. While fixing a frozen pizza during a lazy Saturday afternoon, my roommate and I were puttering around the house: doing dishes, cleaning showers, straightening up the house and chatting. I had a lot I wanted to get done but knew that I wouldn't get hardly anything accomplished today, but, I would try. My pizza was done and I was finishing up some last minute dishes that I had hoarded in my room (oops). I grabbed some veggies from the fridge along with my pizza and headed out of the kitchen to my room. On the way out, I grabbed the last of the cardboard my pizza was packaged with and attempted to toss it in the trash. As I bent down to assure a 'hole in one' in the trash, a slice of my pizza went flying off my plate and into the living room, spreading pizza sauce and crust crumbs in its path. Disgusted, I hurriedly set down my plate and went for the pizza. The sauce did a number on our already stained carpet. As I was expressing my embarrassment and clumsiness, I snorted, " I thought I was done with this when I quit babysitting!" My roommate giggled and said, "No, we will always do stuff like that. You might be 23 but, you are still 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, 17..... " So, yes, for all those times when we react or act immature or slip and do something silly, it's still us. We are still all those ages. Guess we never grow up :). There's no wonder in my mind now while older people struggle the most.... They have more ages inside them struggling to get free. It's a silly thought, but it helped ease my embarrassment and see things a little differently. So thanks roomy! :)

I think its time for Spring!.... Please!!!

2009-03-07T22:42:00.002-06:00

This winter was my first full winter in Minnesota. Not sure how to feel about it, but I must say it leaves me wanting sand, sun and palm trees all the more. :) According to the calendar, (and not native Minnesotans) spring is around the corner. The weather around here is taunting us all with above freezing temperatures and partly sunny days! It’s been quite nice. But, no sooner do we start to enjoy these balmy days and it drops 20 degrees and snows! Hence, ice has been a prominent factor in walking and driving conditions. I, myself, have had a few encounters…. None of them flattering….
One of the first times spring peeked its head around the corner, I decided that it was okay to “run” the garbage outside in just my pjs (consisting of sweats and a t-shirt and a zip-up hoodie). I threw on some shoes that were by the door and trotted outside and through the backyard that quite slippery considering it had melted and frozen up again. Our path through the yard to our cars became a little slushy and then froze up, creating frozen footprints and uneven ground. I decided just to run across the untouched snow to avoid any calamity (see, I was attempting to be cautious). I literally ran through the yard and past the cars and thought I had reached the trash in the alley in the clear and then WHAM! Yeah, that “wham” was me slipping on the ice, going airborne and landing on my hip and knee. I bounced across the ice at the end of our driveway… garbage still in hand. When I stopped, I blinked and looked around. Garbage was safe and as far as I could tell, no one had seen me… I hoped. I stood up, limped to the trash, deposited it in the receptacle and then limped my way carefully and quickly back to the house thinking that would have looked really cool on video! I had a bruise on my hip for weeks. It sucked.
Scenario number 2. It was a common occurrence for me to get stuck in my driveway when it snowed. I don’t have 4-wheel drive in my new vehicle (a mistake I won’t make again) and so when it snowed at all, I would get about ¾ way up my drive and then the tires would just spin. It was a royal pain but it also allowed me to get some quality shoveling time in. Just a quick fyi… our drive way is about 20 feet long and about 10 foot wide with a slight incline (not large at all). So one day, it snowed thick and heavy all day. I got stuck 2 times on my way home. Once it took me about 4 light changes to get out of this intersection and the second time it was about 3 light changes and some people got out of their cars and pushed me out of the intersection. Dumb. So, I got home and got stuck in the driveway (of course). I was shoveling my frustrations away and whoops! I apparently thought it was appropriate to bow on one knee to pay my respects to the crap that kept falling and covering up everything I was shoveling. Under all the white crap was ice. So, I took an involuntary knee and another nasty bruise.
My last direct contact with the nice ice (besides all the slipping, sliding, arm flailing and wobbling that happened everyday) was a few days ago when I got home from a long day at work. It had been sunny that day and probably reached 35 degrees or so. I was in okay spirits as I opened my car door and put one foot out on the ground. As I shifted my weight to remove myself from the vehicle, I feel my foot slide and then next thing I know, I’m doing some form of the splits. I have one leg in the car and the other on my knee on the ice. I couldn’t help but laugh. This whole winter I have slipped and skidded and even almost fell once in the alley with a short skirt and boots on (no I wasn’t hooking). I know I haven’t been the only girl in our house that has done some slipping and sliding. I just really hope that our neighbors haven’t been in cahoots with each other to see who can get the Funniest Home Video! Yes…. I cannot wait until spring really gets here!!!

Beautiful Letdown

2009-01-20T10:39:00.002-06:00

It is a disgrace, yet a useful reminder, that you cannot trust and believe what people (in general) say. It is, in fact, their actions that prove to ring truth and judgement. Mere words can persuade, soothe, excite and disappoint a person. But, the acts before, after and during those words are what makes them honest, demolishes them or begs a complete contradiction. It has always been natural for me to take words for honest truth (yes, you can say gullible if it makes you feel better). Over the years I have been through some tough situations and put myself in some tough situations.... BUT, I never seem to learn that people don't always tell the truth. In their defense, they may have felt what they said at the time, or truely believed in what they were saying at that moment... Never the less, actions won out over time and painted them in black and white, liars and make-believers.
I don't believe in New Years Resolutions. But, I have come to the conclusion that maybe this year, I should start. Start with training myself to wait for the actions to prove the words instead of taking the words for gospel truth. Maybe then I wouldn't always set myself up for failure.

View of the City

2009-01-18T20:47:00.004-06:00

So. I found out the other day (only because I was severely late for work) that there is an invigorating view of Minneapolis from the top floor of my parking garage. My being late for work at put me in a semi-awful disposition and the fact that I couldn't find any open spaces on the floor I usually parked on, made it that much worse. So, in my disgust, I floored my lovely Edge to the very top of the parking garage and decided a little hike down 5 flights of stairs might help cool my mood. When I reached the top and veered off to the right, I was taken aback by the view. I know we're not very far from downtown but the way the sun hit the buildings just made me grin all over. Unfortunately, I didn't have my camera. But, it was exactly the enlightening boost I needed. So, here are two photos I took, one when it was snowing (yes... it does snow here in MN) and the other I took one afternoon. I will get a good morning sunrise picture up soon.... Enjoy! :)

Those Things

2008-12-30T22:46:00.002-06:00

This is to "those things" no matter how little or how large that change us for the better or worse.

Empty, alone, broken, unhinged.
Completed some things I never should have done.
Scared for myself and what is to come,
Knowing my actions will end up on the menu
Probably under “appetizers, main entrees, regrets and never should-have-beens”
All in different sizes to quench any appetite for destruction

Wanting to turn back and change it all but knowing it wouldn’t be worth it.
Trying to learn and ask forgiveness of what I am ashamed to have done.
Wishing I could forget and hoping it goes unnoticed..
I sit here and live.

My Little Gecko's Return

2008-12-17T21:34:00.002-06:00

I'm trying desperately to ignore the fact that it's past my time to get up when suddenely someone is rapping on my door. "I found her, I found her" I hear Megan shout urgently! I sit up in bed as Meg opens the door. I screech, "Where is she??" Her response,..... "RIGHT IN MY HAND!" I bolt out of bed and direct Meg to put Amali in her tank immediately! Megan explained that as she was getting ready that morning she just happen to see Amali on the floor in the living room... did a double take and went for her. I am SO happy words can't describe... So thank you Meg for saving my sanity!!!! Amali has returned and seems to be happy, healthy and a little scared of human interaction. She is doing well so far and was eager to eat and drink! She spent about 4 days roaming our house and noone but Ms. Amali knows where her travels took her. I'm just glad she came home. :)

Gecko on the Loose

2008-12-11T22:20:00.003-06:00

This evening was a typical winter evening.... Light snow flurries, slow rush hour traffic, sledding with kids, hot cocoa and hot chocolate chip cookies, straight from the oven. Besides a crack or two from sledding down the hills and singe from hot cocoa and cookies, pain wasn't part of the evening. I fed Amali (for those of you who don't know, she is my beloved leopard gecko as I'm allergic to furry animals) and took her out of the cage to have some human interaction. She was passed around as usual from person to person crawling about. Time passed and noone had brought her back to me (which happens after about 20min or so) and so I inquired about the location of my beloved pet. Well, that was unknown and the last sight of her was her tail disappearing under the couch. We searched the room and the vents... Still no gecko. Believe it or not, I'm actually kind of hurt. Odd for this cold hearted woman, who typically has no emotion or regard for unhuman life. So, I'm still on the look out for a crawling Amali and hopefully she'll come home, dragging her tail behind her... looking for mealworms. If she doesn't, this mommy doesn't know what she'll do. :(

Maybe & Maybe Not

2008-11-28T22:36:00.001-06:00

I care too much
And sometimes not at all.

I love too often
And then hate it all.

A walking contradiction I am,
In this little room of mine.

So, come join me
And we’ll have a good time.

Old writing... when love was in the... water?

2008-11-18T16:52:00.002-06:00

Here are two things I wrote when I was blinded... by lies. But, I thought they were pretty entertaining. It's been over a year since I looked at this stuff. Guess time does heal. Cheers.

THIS ONE KINDA SOUNDS LIKE A SONG. :)

I'm thinkin, my place at noon
With the windows open and the breeze blowin through,
Cuddle up so close I can hear your heart beat.
So tell me honey, where are we gonna meet?
On the street corner with a table for two?
Or at the beach and walk beside the ocean blue?
I wanna see you babe,
I'm missin you like crazy.....
Let's meet up babe,
And hang out and just be lazy.

THIS ONE IS QUITE A STATEMENT PROBABLY NEVER TO BE SAID AGAIN. :)

I miss you.
I want you for foreverand forever isn't enough
To hold you tight everyday
For the rest of my life
Is only a privilege and won't be tough.
I miss you like no other
And can't believe it's true
That I've found somebody
That loves me as much as I love you.

The parents (and Jody) visit MN

2008-11-11T18:29:00.002-06:00

Mum, Pops and Jody came up for a nice snowy weekend! Jody's new bf, Tom came down and got to know the family a little more too! We took Pops to the Mall of America (his new favorite place) and they all came to see my house. Fun times... :)

Inspiration from the first sleet/snow

2008-10-27T21:46:00.004-05:00

I stood on the street
Waiting in the rain,
Knowing he wasn’t coming,
The earth grew cold again.
I waited patiently,
A smile upon my face
Each minute ticking by
My heart grew colder than ice.
So, now I wander aimlessly
Gathering my thoughts,
Hoping he will come along
And thaw my frozen heart.

My New Skant

2008-10-22T22:40:00.002-05:00

so this is what i've been working on.... Hopefully I'll be able to finish it by Thanksgiving.... I lose my ambition quite easily.. ugh.

My Awful, Terrible, Very Bad Monday

2008-10-09T21:57:00.002-05:00

So, most of you have heard about my awful, terrible, no good, very bad Monday. Here’s another version to the start of a week that I could have done without!
Monday… usually just another day, the start to yet another endless work week that always leaves one longing for the weekends. This Monday in particular, was quite poopy. The 6:30 am alarm on my phone sings Madonna & Justin Timberlake’s 4 Minutes (to save the world), ”Are you ready to go?” in my ear. I reach my phone and squeeze the side buttons to silence it… and resituate my arms and happily fall back to sleep. What woke me up an hour later, who knows? I slowly push the covers aside and grab my towel and head for the shower. So far, so good… a little late but I should be okay. Getting ready in the morning is never one of my favorite things to do and as I get older, it only seems to get worse! Finally, after much struggling with what clothes felt comfy and deciding I had best make the effort to put my contacts in, I decided I was ready to go! Now to gather the three most important things for work… my keys, my badge and my iPod. I grab my keys off the table in my room and reach in my bag for my badge. After emptying my bag a few times, checking my car and turning my already disastrous room upside down, I still couldn’t find my badge (or iPod). [Just as a side note, I cannot even enter the parking garage or building without my badge.] After driving half way to work being aggravated and grouchy, I slip my hand into the top side pocket and find… MY BADGE. Oh yes, you can image how dumb and annoyed I felt then. But, still no iPod.
I make it into work late, but I have my badge. Walking through the sky bridge and down the halls and riding the elevator to the 5th floor, my right contact is blurry. If you know me, then you know I spend half my life with my fingers in my eyes trying to retrieve whatever is making them itchy, blurry or agitated. So, with many attempts to make my vision clear, I didn’t get anywhere. I tried to work but every time I blinked it got worse! So, I took my contact out to try and clean it. I took a deep breath, (more of a huff at this point), and looked at my contact and it is half gone!!!!!!!! No, I didn’t lose it in my eye and it didn’t break in my eye. But, there I sat at my desk with a broken contact and no iPod!!! I quite didn’t know how to take it as my gas permeable lenses that I’ve had since my junior year in High School were supposed to last a lifetime. Also, they are about $200 a lens to replace. I worked for an hour or so with one eye (squeezing my eye shut at people in the hall to make sure I knew who they were). It was quite awkward and uncomfortable! I was given permission to go home and get my glasses. So, I drove the 3.5 miles home and made the switch and turned my room upside down one more time to search for my iPod. No luck. On my ride back to work I received a text from the girl I work with that we were swamped and I had better hurry back! This only irked me and made me want to drag my heels… Shame on me… I know. So, I get back and head over to Val’s desk only to find out that there has been a macro problem and some 40+ files needed to have the tax form that I take care of pulled and requested from the IRS. Mind you, that doesn’t include the 30+ requests that are already coming in along with my other duties at work. I want to leave, escape from the chaos… But, the day has already sucked so it can’t get any worse right?? WRONG.
I took my snotty, hacking, grouchy self home and decided to finish some laundry I had started the night before. I grabbed some supper and tried to forget about the dumb day. I was still bothered by my missing iPod and discouraged by my filthy room. I turned on some music and started digging through the mess. I was able to get all my summer shoes into one plastic tub and make it so I could actually close my bedroom door! Success at last!! Then, my sister Shelley called and brightened my day as well!! I really thought my day was looking up until I went down to get my laundry out of the dryer and I found…. My iPod and headphones at the bottom of the dryer. Ew. I was so disgusted. I stomped upstairs and fiddled and messed and still couldn’t get it to work. The headphones on the other hand are working wonderfully as I type!
Then, Amali was being so weird and wouldn’t let me hold her. She was stalking herself in the glass and being quite entertaining. While attempting to take a picture of her standing almost upright against the glass I see something out of the corner of my eye streak across the hall. I mentioned something to Emery that I thought I saw something and as the words are leaving my mouth, I look down the hall again to see a mouse race towards Karissa’s room!! I yell, “There’s a mouse in here!!” Emery responds by grabbing a shoe and heading my direction. While this is happening the mouse has turned around and is heading into the living room. By the time I get the light on I have lost sight of it. But, Emery spots it heading under her bed in the far corner of the living room! She heads in that direction and it comes right at her and she puts on a show for me hopping and screaming, hoping and praying the mouse doesn’t run up her leg! After giggle fits and wiping away our tears, we then witness the nasty little mouse run back into its hole in the kitchen. Dumb mice.
That brings my terrible, no good, very bad Monday to an end. I haven’t had an awful day like that in a while and the rest of the days this week have followed suit. Thanks for tuning in and here’s for a better week!!

Eyes

2008-10-01T14:32:00.000-05:00

Eyes can’t hide what you’re feeling deep inside,
They will let out all your secrets,
Even the feelings you’ve denied.
Eyes will show if you’re blue or just happy with your new shoes.
Eyes will reveal what you’re hiding, if you don’t feel like confiding.
Eyes will call you out on anger, rage, hate and fear and love.
So if you want to hide your feelings then avoid me with your eyes
Because looking at me with your eyes will leave no surprise.

My New Car

2008-09-22T17:21:00.002-05:00

now don't fight... haha.
yessss.. i love it!
awww...

They see me rollin.. They hatin..

2008-09-17T10:29:00.002-05:00

Now I won't be ridin dirty... :)

Leaving it Behind

2008-09-16T11:41:00.000-05:00

I’m sorry I couldn’t handle it,
I’m sorry I don’t like lies.
I’m sorry you couldn’t see it, before you made me cry.

If you could take back all those things you said,
It wouldn’t change a thing.
For a short while, you did make my heart sing.

Then you said more words that only covered up the truth,
Confirming my opinion of your way with girls…
Uncouth.

So take your filthy lies and cover your silly face,
And I’ll go on with what’s left of my dignity,
Walking forward with grace.

Wishing & Hoping & Planning & Dreaming

2008-09-10T15:47:00.002-05:00

So I’ve been told some news… good or bad for me I have yet to determine. Hoping, wishing and praying that it is good; I sit here and ponder…. If it is bad, I will have to change my lifestyle more than I already have and learn to deal with what is. If it be good, I will be able to gain some needed material things that would only make my life easier. So, here I am: fingers, toes, eyes (when able), legs, arms and hairs crossed…. Curled up in a fetal position, praying this will all turn out okay.

Giggle Fits

2008-09-06T00:35:00.002-05:00

So just have to share:

I was walking down the hall at work today (carrying on with my job as usual) and I was stopped by a guy from correspondent. He asks, "Did you grow up on a farm?" I was like, "What?!?!" I was flattered, yet in the same breath super confused!! Why on earth would he think that I grew up on a farm?? As you all well know, I don't dress like a farmer or talk like one.... So I asked... The response? "Well, you carry a lot of files and most of the girls around here only carry four and act like they are going to die.... or they cart around one!" I laughed... Coming from a family of girls has only made each of us have a "get down & dirty" and "git r done" side! So thanks to Mum & Pops for raising us right! ;)

Secondly.... Some of you know that my driver's side window in my van is stuck open... Recently, the conversation about my window has moved to the "what if you were attacked" level. Even if I was, it wouldn't do me any good to run to my van! So, as I'm leaving work today, I walked out with a coworker, Jeff. He thought he had parked his truck on the 3rd level and took the stairs, while I walked out to my van on the 2nd level. I get in the van and get settled with my back to my door. Then, someone grabbed my arm and said, "HEY!!" Needless to say, I about piddled my pants and had a coronary while letting out a quite girlish screech!! I turned and pulled away and saw Jeff bent over laughing... He stupidly forgot which floor he was parked on and ended up parking a few cars away from me. He also knew about my window and saw the perfect opportunity. While it could be scary, it is also quite funny!!

This concludes my giggle fits for today!

Warm Fuzzy Day

2008-09-03T16:32:00.002-05:00

So today my boss asked me what my deal was... I responded with a "Huh?". He said... "You have changed!" At this point I got a little nervous. I said "What?". He replied with, "You are just happy all the time... It's a good change!"
I've been thinking the rest of the afternoon what or when or why or how this change took place. I have come to the conclusion that whoever sent me the email on Ducks vs. Eagles deserves a big hug and a gold star. I have not been able to forget it.... and yes, I will admit it has changed my thinking....
The email goes something like this: ducks sit around and quack and quack and complain while eagles soar above the crowd. #1... Ducks are not my favorite animal. The only way I like them are stuffed on the wall... and even then, they collect dust and make me sneeze. In short... I just don't like them. #2... After reading that email and realizing I was becoming or already was a duck, really made me like ducks even LESS!! #3... I do not want to be a duck or anything like a duck.
So, my conclusion is that this email has helped me change my outlook on life in general. One big thanks to whoever that may have been!

My Birthday!

2008-09-01T09:51:00.008-05:00

So I guess I live around some pretty cool people... My sister surprised me with a cake the Friday before my birthday (to which I was sorely against). Then on my birthday, Joanne took me to the art garden downtown (and Karissa came too) and we finished off the evening by meeting the boys for dinner at Figlios & onto Zenos for dessert! Here are a few photos.....

Can't stop singing this song....

2008-08-22T17:54:00.002-05:00

Boys Like Girls
Lyrics to Heels Over Head :
I got your runaway smile in my piggybank baby
Gonna cash it right in for a new Mercedes
You were worth the hundred thousand miles
But you couldn't stay awhile
I got your little brown shirt in my bottom drawer baby
And your little white socks in the top drawer
You were always leaving your shit around
And gone without a sound
Yeah I'm the first to fall and the last to know
Where'd you go?
Now I'm heels over headI'm hangin' upside down
Thinking how you left me for dead
California bound

I got a first class ticket to a night all alone
And a front row seat up right by the phone
Cause you're always on my mind
And I'm running out of time
I've got your hair on my pillow and your smell in my sheets
And it makes me think about you with the sand in your feet
Is it all you thought it'd be?
You mean everything to me
But I'm the first to fall and the last to know
And where'd you go?
You're burnin' bridges babyBurnin' bridges, making wishesYeah you're burnin' bridges

Chance taker, heartbreaker
Got me wrapped around your
Maybe you'll finally see
And then you'll turn it all around and you'll come back to me

Wandering

2008-08-15T11:22:00.002-05:00

Wandering... through the crowded streets,
Just searching for my friend I am to meet.
I stop & scan the sidewalk & shops....
Still no sign of her.
I meander on with my eyes still searching...
Taking in every shop, stand and festival goer.
I catch a glimpse of someone and I have to look again.
It's no one I know, but he stares back at me.
With a charming & disarming curiousity he grins.
I smile & blush & start to walk away.
He calls out to me requesting my name.
I turn & wander away...
Just thinking what would have happened if I had stayed.

Time Will Tell

2008-08-14T21:50:00.002-05:00

Haven't updated this in a while due to the lack of internet... All is well here, work is still the same and we're moving to a small house at the end of the month... Will be relieved to be out of the apartments!! Here's a note from last month:

He confuses me, like some silly riddles and rhymes,

But being so close to him makes me want to call him mine.

He looks at me and smiles,

For him, I’d go the extra mile.

Does he know? Does he care? Does he notice when I’m not there?

Time will tell, as it is its claim to fame.

Maybe this boy won’t be so lame.

A certain someone

2008-06-09T22:20:00.002-05:00

There he stands, without a clue what he can do,

By just standing there looking so damn cute.

I wish I could tell him to walk away and leave me be

But, there he stands, not knowing about me.

He makes me shake from head to toe; heart rate increases, heat wave crashing down…

Boy, sometimes I wish you had an inkling how you make me stupid

Tripping over my words and feet... Wishing you would notice me.

Being Thankful

2008-05-26T00:53:00.000-05:00

It’s almost been a year since I’ve met that final person,

Since my world was turned upside down

And then he pulled the curtain.

The best thing that happened was probably what he did,

To end things so abruptly,

Knowing nothing is for certain.

I’ve learned what I am and certainly what I’m not,

Definitely what I need and clearly what I want.

So pulling pieces back together of a train wreck I thought love,

The track seems quite misleading when I look back from above.

Now taking what one learns from incidents like these,

I steer my caboose more carefully,

And stay clear of men with needs.

SNEAKY GIRLS... PART 2

2008-05-25T14:31:00.003-05:00

This is the finished product.... The deed was done... Even if we did try getting into the wrong apartment first... :)

Glad Its Over Now

2008-05-13T23:57:00.002-05:00

A special thanks to the talented musicians and song writers.... I've been inspired once again.

Sitting here waiting, as my headache begins… not knowing. That is what kills me in the end. Life proceeds in wonderment… maybe it’s just me. But, this big old world holds no mystery. Rain falling… wisdom… trying to flood our streets… Too bad it won’t reflect in the faces that I meet. The sun shines down on countless agendas, some never to be fulfilled. This world will keep on turning as I pop another pill.

SNEAKY GIRLS...

2008-05-10T18:41:00.005-05:00

Soooooo here we go...
My roommate and I were busy one weekend.....

MORE PICTURES TO FOLLOW...... :)

Just an Update

2008-05-04T19:11:00.002-05:00

So, I must admit that I'm diggin the State of 10,000 Lakes after 3 months (and counting). My job at Wells Fargo is going really well.... the kids up here are keeping me busy and out of trouble.... and my roommate and I get along amazingly!! Things are finally looking up for me and I'm feeling comfortable in my skin again! Joanne (one of my crazy coworkers) has showed me a safe and fun place (a marsh) to run in the middle of Richfield and that has been keeping me active as well. I am slowly getting settled into the apartment (which we counted today and we have about 4 months left there!) Oops. I started this blog for my recreational purposes. Once in a while it helps me to just write my thoughts and sometimes my imagination!! So enjoy... or not. :)

Notes from December

2008-04-24T23:53:00.001-05:00

December, winter, snow, ice ….cold. So, I sit by the window watching the snow fall, lightly floating down by the millions. Snow. It is a funny thing. So pretty yet so detrimental. The snow falls and covers everything. A world so harsh and noisy and then the snow falls, blanketing the earth with white, cold quiet. Cars move quietly down the roads as if they are moving in a funeral procession: slow, cautious, thoughtful. One false move and they could skid into wreckage, but forward they proceed. Snow. It’s an awesome thing how snow can take something ugly, wretched, and repulsive and cover it, hiding all its flaws and making it beautiful. Hm…. Maybe I should head outside… see ya.

oh the big city

2008-04-24T23:23:00.001-05:00

I wake up groggy and wishing for at least a few more hours of sleep. The breeze comes through my window lulling me back to sleep. I look at the clock. 6:05am it stares back at me. Rolling out of bed the breeze hits me and makes me shiver. I hop into the shower trying to warm up with thoughts of the day ahead wandering in the air. Voices of other residents and honking vehicles seep through the window of the shower only to make me remember where I am again. Minnesota. The big cities too… I can’t believe it some days. I make my way back to my room only to be reminded of all the things I have to do. Half an hour left. Hoping it is warm outside and not just in the apartment, I pack up a few bags and haul them to the door. When I get to the exit, I wonder if I should have grabbed a coat. Whoosh, I push open the door and I’m met with a warm rush of air that brushes over my bare shoulders making me think of the beach. I stride to the car and deposit my hauling. Walking back to the building, I close my eyes. The bustling of traffic off I494 is the closest thing I’ll get to waves washing the beach. With my eyes still closed, I hold onto the few seconds of bliss in the middle of this chaos.