for the record...

I recently have experienced some events that have made me consider my actions/thoughts on things. My reason for this post is just to remind me in another year, six months, twelve years.. whatever... that I noticed this and felt this way at some point in my life.

There is definitely something to be said for poor decision making and the human mind. Now, what my opinion is on that will stay in my thoughts...

But the evidence of thought processes, lack of thinking actions through, failing to consider the consequences/outcomes and the lack of ability to complete said processes without an ounce of maturity has blown my mind.

That quote that goes something like... "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt" has been running over and over in my head.

I just hope I don't find myself fitting any of the above descriptions. I hope I can find it in me to tolerate and dismiss any of the above that I may come in contact with in the future.

Just a thought

I'm a rushing, chugga-chugga-choo-choo, train headed down the wrong tracks...

I'm a salmon trying so desperately to swim upstream...

I'm a lost child in a sea of people at the street fair...

I'm a wandering soul, searching, traveling the world over...

I'm a speeding car, driving down the wrong side of the highway...

I'm an ignorant tourist in a foreign land...

I'm a pocket full of quarters when the machine only takes dollar bills...

So what makes you wonder why I don't fit in?

confession

It has occurred to me that things worth waiting for can be painful.

Sometimes they aren't always what you think.

Occasionally, they really aren't what you should have had in the first place.

For the first time in a long while, I hurt.
I ache, like heartache.
I mean, you have your normal pride-ache and ego-ache... but, I haven't let myself get close to anyone for fear of entanglements of the heart.

This one snuck up on me.

Heck, I didn't even realize how I truly felt before it was really too late.
I couldn't bring myself to say anything, never seemed like the right time.
Or maybe that was God's way of telling me it isn't right or isn't what's right, right now.

Regardless, it aches. I had forgotten what it is like to feel that.
I would prefer to forget and never feel it again.

Maybe it's what was planned so that I can remember that others feel this too...

Maybe on the account of my actions. Maybe not.

It could be a sore reminder that I have a heart. Bitter - it is. Yet still requires care and feeding.

But, regardless of my pondering, I know I'll do what I do best.

I'll bury it... Hide it... Patch it... Try my best to forget it...

Try even harder to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Things..

I have come to the conclusion that I do not like myself...

I do not like the way I let people come into my life and take control. I have once again let that happen after I vowed not to let it happened again.

I've heard it's a personality trait... but I'm not down with that. There is no reason some other human being needs to control my life.. unknowing or not.

It's time for me to find my own life or create it...

I've found that there is nothing better than a hot summer day or friends/family that accept you for what you are and what you aren't.

Nothing better than being out in the country, big trucks, fast cars, family and feeling like you have accomplished something for the day.

I'm sure there is nothing better than phone calls/texts/messages/pictures from your family/nieces/nephews to brighten the day.

Appreciating the small things today.